Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld
by Christine Marquez
Summary: Alright, begging didn't work. here's what i've got. Hunter Van Hunter is a Lycan out to find out more of his past when his little sidekick, Kieran, gets kidnapped. Now he must team up with a demon to get him back
1. Scene One

**AN**: Okay, I do not own Van Helsing, the Matrix, or Underworld plots. I do own all the characters in this story, though. Oh, and this is my first Van Helsing thing, so please review, and tell me what you think. Even if you hate it!

**Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld**

Scene 1

(Cute little music plays)

(A cute little town with happy people and friendly faces is shown)

Narrator VO: Our story starts off in a pleasant little county just outside of London. The year is 1923 -. (Music is interrupted)

Hunter VO: What!? This story does NOT take place in the 1700's -.

Narrator VO: It's the 1900's, actually.

Hunter VO: Do you want to get hurt?

Narrator VO: Eep.

Hunter VO: I thought so. Now, where was I?

(Lightning flashes)

(A scary face flashes in the night)

(Dark street)

(Hunter is peering out)

(Hunter starts walking across the street)

Hunter VO: My name is Hunter Van Hunter. I am a Lycan … a werewolf. A creature of the night. A flesh eater. The monster in your backyard, watching you, waiting to pounce! I'm -

Neal VO: Get to the point already!

Hunter: (looks around nervously) Hello!

Hunter VO: Look bud, I'm doing the narration here. Hit … the … road.

Neal VO: Fine, if you would like to mess up this movie -.

Hunter VO: Yes, yes I would.

Reaper VO: Be my guest.

Hunter: (fidgets nervously) The voices are back.

Hunter VO: No, you idiot! I'm doing the Voice Over for you! Now get back on that set and keep walking!

Hunter: Okay. (Keeps walking … now in circles)

Hunter VO: Geeze, why do people keep interrupting me?! Alright, I'm a werewolf, and I don't know anything of my past. My memories … nay, my life has been taken from me, hidden away. The only clues I have are an old mood ring, and a talking Kiwi bird. Well, the kiwi bird I got from New Zealand. I was born there. I think. Look, if I feel like saying I was born in New Zealand, I was, okay? No one has any _proof_ that I _wasn't_ born there. Anyways, it's just been me and Skully, my bird. Oh, there's also this other werewolf who just sort of follows me around, named Kieran.

(A red headed guy pokes out from behind the wall, and then sneaks close to Hunter)

Hunter VO: I found him on one of my voyages to New York. I still have yet to figure out his purpose. (End of voice over)

Kieran: Master Van Hunter!

(Hunter jumps)

Hunter: Oh, Kieran, there you are. Have you been hearing anything … out of the ordinary?

Kieran: Sir, have the voices been speaking to you again?

Hunter: Uh … no … of course not. Come along.

Kieran: Master Van Hunter, aren't we supposed to be searching out the vampires, and then sending those EVIL creatures back to _Scotland_ where they can receive the … err, help that they need?

Hunter: You mean send them to the secret underground pub on 45th street where we get them so drunk that when we tell them that they are actually werewolves, they believe us,even though they're not? If that's what you mean, then yes, that's what we're doing.

Kieran: But my super high tech werewolf senses tell me that vampires are south of here.

Hunter: Your point?

Kieran: You're walking north.

Hunter: Ah. Yes. I'm using an evasive maneuver I picked up in the late seventeenth century.

Kieran: Master Van Hunter, you can't remember anything past three years ago. Remember?

Hunter: Of course not! I lost my memory. Did you forget already, Kieran?

(Kieran sighs as Hunter starts walking south)

Hunter: I do believe that soon we will win this war against the vampires.

Skully: Squawk.

Kieran: (Races to catch up) But Master Van Hunter, _why_ must we hunt the vampires? Why are we at war with them?

Hunter: We hunt the vampires simply because The Order has told us to.

Kieran: Don't you mean the secret organization of extremely religious freaks in Scotland that have no real business butting into a six hundred year old war between Vampires and Lycans, but they do anyways, and send you and your talking Kiwi bird who really doesn't talk all that much, out to interfere in silly little missions. Like the time they had you running out to get five things of pizza, and then they didn't even eat it?

Hunter: No, Kieran. You're thinking of the church. I said The Order.

Kieran: Ah.

(The two approach a building)

(A scream tears through the night as a figure jumps down from a one story building)

Sarah: And so we meet again, Van Hunter.

Hunter: (Takes a nervous step back) Do I know you?

Kieran: Of course you know her, Master Van Hunter. She's the evil vampiress who secretly knows your past, and why you can't remember it.

Sarah: (whacks Kieran in the arm) Stop giving away obvious plot points!

Kieran: Sorry.

Skully: Squawk.

Hunter: Yes, Skully is right. We must fight you and bring you down!

Skully: How does squawk translate into _that_?

(More vampires surround them)

Hunter: Oh sh --. (words are blocked out when Hunter slams a pipe against the wall)

Kieran: Master, why did you just slam that pipe against the building?

Hunter: Well, my stalking sidekick, this is a PG-13 story. Therefore, words like that should be blocked out.

Kieran: Very good sir.

Sarah: Attack!

(Cheap rip-off matrix moves follows in which nobody seems to get hurt)

(Hunter chases a vampire to the top of a building overlooking the city)

Hunter: Stop you fiend!

Vampire #1: No, wait! Please have mercy! I – I haven't _actually_ sucked someone's blood in at least three hours!

Hunter: As much as I should compliment you for such a good job at controlling yourself –

Vampire #1: Uh … sure

Hunter: I am on a mission to erase all you diseases to mankind from the face of the matrix!

Vampire #1: Don't you mean earth? We're not in the matrix.

Hunter: Quiet! (Pulls out guns, and shoots light bullets at the vampire. It jumps off the building, and then screams as it blows up before hitting the ground. Van Hunter peers over the edge)

Sarah: Van Hunter, you murderer! Now we shall kidnap your friend!

Hunter: Good riddance, then.

(Sarah and other vampires start to walk away with Kieran)

Kieran: (Word echoing in the night) I will escape, Van Hunter! Do not worry for me, for I shall escape! I shall do it … for Scotland!

Vampire #2: Will you shut up! (Hits him over the head with a conveniently placed frying pan. Then they turn into evil bat-like creatures and fly away)

(Hunter hits his head)

Hunter: Great. Now who's going to make my breakfast?

To be continued …


	2. Scene Two

**Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld**

Scene 2

(Hunter arrives in a night club and looks around)

Guy #1: Hey Mr. Van Hunter, over here!

Hunter: Shh! Almost everyone here is out to get me! You want them to recognize me?

Guy #1: Oh, sorry Mr. Van … I mean, Hunter. Say, where's that short guy that's always following you around?

Hunter: Oh, he got kidnapped by a bunch of vampires.

Guy #1: Tough luck. Well, I hope you get him back.

Hunter: (blatantly) I don't.

Guy #1: O-kay. Oh, The HLSO has been looking for you.

Hunter: You mean the Head Leader of Secret Organizations?

Guy #1: Yeah, him.

Hunter: I'll pay you three cents if you tell me his real name.

Guy #1: As tempting as that is, I can't. _I_ don't even know it.

Hunter: Shoot. Maybe next time.

Guy #1: Maybe. See ya later, Van Hunter.

Hunter: (Opens his mouth to scold him again about his name, but then closes it again and shakes his head before walking into the backroom of the club) Anybody home!?

Voice: Enter.

Hunter: (Steps closer, and then falls through a hole in the floor) Help!

Voice: I've been meaning to get that fixed. (A bulky man peers over the hole, and then pulls Hunter up) Where are the vampires?

Hunter: Well, we found them, and we were fighting and stuff, and then I sort of followed one up onto the roof of a building, and _killed_ him. Then the leader kidnapped Kieran and they flew off.

(Voice is now to be referred to as HLSO)

HLSO: Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. How many times do I have to tell you to bring these vampires back! You can't keep killing them. And now you've gone and got that short sidekick guy that's always following you around kidnapped. I hope you realize the mess you've gotten yourself into.

Hunter: Yes. Now I'll have to make my own breakfasts.

HLSO: Ah, and you suck at that.

Hunter: I know.

(Mournful silence follows)

HLSO: So I suppose that's going to be your next mission.

Hunter: What? What's my next mission?

HLSO: Your next mission is to retrieve the Scottish kid, and capture as many vampires as you can in the process. Hopefully you could snag the ever-elusive Sarah Arthur while you're at it. Every time she manages to get out of our traps.

Hunter: Sir?

HLSO: Last time I sent Marcum and Brookes to get her – she's the head leader of the New York vampire sect. Things didn't turn out too well.

Hunter: Sir?

HLSO: Damn it Hunter, weren't you paying attention? I just told you.

Hunter: Uh, no you didn't. What happened with Marcum and Brookes?

HLSO: Oh, forget it.

Hunter: O-kay. Oh, and who's the Scottish kid?

HLSO: Isn't Kieran Scottish?

(Hunter shrugs)

HLSO: Well, whatever. Just go do it. You leave tomorrow.

(Hunter salutes, and then turns to leave when he falls through the hole again)

Hunter: (Shouts up) I'm okay!

(On Hunter's walk home)

Hunter: I really have to look where I'm going before I fall into holes again. (Looks at the street sign) Darn! I was supposed to take a left when I left the club, not a right! A whole hour – wasted! (Turns around and starts walking back)

Neal: You there!

(Hunter freezes, and then slowly turns around)

Hunter: Uh … me?

Neal: Prepare to die, Lycan. (Raises a gun)

Hunter: Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!

(Bullets rocket through the air)

(Hunter jumps around and dodges in slow motion)

Hunter: Wait, I surrender! What do you want from me?

Neal: (Puts guns away and walks forward) You're a Lycan, aren't you?

Hunter: Uh, I guess so. We prefer to be called werewolves, though.

Neal: Whatever. I'm Neal, The Chosen One.

Hunter: Don't you mean Neo?

Neal: No. Copyright laws prohibit it.

Hunter: Ah. So you're the chosen one. What does that have to do with me?

Neal: My job is to hunt down all Lycans – or werewolves – and vampires, and eliminate them.

Hunter: Could you be more specific?

Neal: Kill them.

Hunter: I see. Well … that doesn't sound fun.

Neal: Probably not from your angle. I on the other hand -.

Hunter: Oh no, killing can be amusing. I'm a professional assassin. Sort of. The thing that bothers me is that you're trying to kill _me_.

Neal: Right. I should get back to that. (Raises gun)

Hunter: Wait, wait! Perhaps we can help each other.

Neal: (lowers guns again) I'm listening.

Hunter: Well, I'm going after a vampire clan led by a certain vampire. Perhaps you've heard of their leader – Sarah Arthur.

Neal: Sarah Arthur? Her name makes my blood boil with such a hatred, my veins feel as if they'll pop and -.

Hunter: Okay, no need to get graphic. So I take it that makes us partners?

Neal: Partners is such an _intimate_ word. How about enemies working together for a common cause.

Hunter: Ooh, you're good.

(Sarah's lair)

(Sarah holds Kieran up against the wall by his neck)

Sarah: Why were you following him?

Kieran: Uh, because I'm his stalking sidekick?

Sarah: D--n! I was hoping there was more to it than that. Why is everything around here so _boring_!? Alright, throw him in the cage.

Kieran: (Nervously) You mean dungeon, don't you?

Sarah: (Snorts) No. (Puts Kieran down and turns him around. Two vampires are there with a dog cage)

Kieran: You're not really going to put me in there, are you?

Sarah: You're our captive, you idiot. We'll throw you in there if we want to. Throw him in there.

Kieran: (Spins around and looks at Sarah) I will get out of this place. I will … for -.

Sarah: Scotland? Yeah, we got that after the sixth time you said it. Lock him up.

Kieran: No!!!! … For Scotland.

To Be Continued …


	3. Scene Three

AN: Thanks to vanity is my name, Pixie, mrs. jdhappiness, and Catty Princess

**Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld**

Scene 3

Secret place where Agents of 'The Order' go to get … stuff

Hunter: So anyways, I told that demon 'Hey, demon, why don't you go back to the hell you came from?'

Everyone laughs

Neal frowns with irritation

Neal: He didn't say that.

Everyone ignores him, much to Neal's dislike

Hunter: Yeah, so, that's how I kidnapped Neal, the demon.

Neal: groans, and has had enough I've had enough! Aren't we supposed to be getting things so we could go after Sarah!?

Hunter: Right, of course. Smells the air Yes, my wolf senses tell me that the short kid would _want_ me to have fun right now. Without him. Here.

Neal gawks at him

Neal: What!? That didn't even make _sense_!

Hunter: Angrily gets up and marches over to him Look, we can go after the vampire in a little while. I'm busy right now.

Neal sneers at him

Neal: How much longer do you want to live … Lycan?

Hunter: Blinks Well, I've got to head out, now. Got to go and rescue that … thing.

Lycan #1 (We'll call him Bob): Van Hunter, I have the weapons you'll need for your journey.

Hunter: Good, good. Let's see them.

Bob: Follow me.

Bob leads them to a dark scary room

Hunter: You keep your weapons here?

Bob: What? Oh, no. This is the room where we torture demons!

Small whimpering is heard in the background

Hunter: Picks up a large smashy thing surrounded by pointy objects Hey Neal, check this out!

Neal: Squeaky voice I think I'll pass.

Hunter: Ooh! Is that a Demon Smasher 5000!

Bob: Latest in demon killing technology.

Neal: How do Lycans even know we exist!?

Bob: We have our ways. Mwa ha ha, mwa ha ha ha ha. Mwa –eck! Starts choking Zut! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that bird.

Hunter: Are you going to help us or not?

Bob: Right, right, right. Follow me through this door.

Walk through the door and emerge in …

Hunter: You keep your weapons in a bright pink room surrounded by flowers and Michael Jackson posters?

Neal: Is that a bed?

Bob: Oops. I'm sorry, this is my bedroom.

Hunter: Holds up a CD Cher?

Neal keels over laughing. Even Hunter's smirking

Bob: Rips it out of Van Hunter's hands Yes, well, I like her songs.

Neal: Are you gay?

Hunter: Pulls open Bob's closet door Dude! He's a cross dresser! Look!

Inside closet there are flamenco dancer costumes, skirts, fashionable _girl_ clothes

(Bob's a boy)

Bob: Enough! Come. Let's get you your weapons and such so you can get Kieran back.

Hunter: You aren't going to give us any scary pictures of yourself to show to Sarah Arthur, are you?

Neal: Yes. And there won't be any spoons, right?

Hunter: Blinks Dude, what the heck?

Bob: Points a gun at Hunter and Neal Get in that room and shut up or I'll blow your brains out.

Hunter: Can gay guys be mean?

Neal: Shrugs Dunno, I've never been one.

Both start laughing again

Until a warning shot is fired over Neal's head, and the plaster crashes down on him

Neal: Nighty night. Tumbles to the floor

Hunter: Alright, let's get these weapons taken care of, and then I'll take snoozy to the dumpster – I mean car!

Bob: Alright. Let's go. Swings gun no fingers, accidentally presses trigger, and shoots Neal in the butt. Both he and Hunter ignore it

Hunter: This is sort of … is this the best place to invent weapons to use against the vampires?

Bob: Eh … Looks around the grudgingly disgusting room dripping water, and several rats racing around the room we're low on funding. Plus the other guys thought it would be funny to give me the old laundry room. CURSE YOU!

Hunter: There, there. Wait a second – what's that?

Bob: What's what?

Hunter: There, on your desk. Is that … is that an Underworld scrapbook?

Bob: … no.

Hunter: Yes it is! And right next to it is a Van Helsing scrapbook. Whoa, déjà vu. Picks up the books and look through them. Shuddering, he throws them to the ground Why do all the pictures of girls swallows have words like 'die', 'hate', and 'wench' written across them?

Bob: Stares at him as if it's excruciatingly obvious … which it is! I think we should get you hooked up.

Hunter: Hopefully Do you know Caroline Hutts?

Bob: I meant set you up with your weapons.

Hunter: … Right. I knew that. So what do we have?

Bob: We have a wooden stake.

Hunter: it isn't outlined in silver, is it?

Bob: Uhh … no. Get the demon to hold that one, just in case. Let's see, oh! Here's some holy water.

Hunter: Takes the package in his hand Instant Holy Water?

Bob: Just mix with water! My own invention.

Hunter: Does it work?

Bob: I'm not really sure. I was hoping you would test it out for me.

Hunter: Riiiight.

Bob: Oh, here's an interesting thing! Pulls out a giant bazooka gun

Hunter: Oh baby! Now _that's_ what I need.

Bob: What? No, this isn't for you. I was just saying it was interesting.

Hunter growls with impatient ness

Bob: Eep. Okay, garlic, crosses, and _this_ thing.

Hunter: Which is?

Bob: Holds up a little bottle full of … something I'm not really sure, actually. I mixed it together using sewer water from NYC, and scum from a building in LA. I'm sure you'll find a use for it.

Hunter: Is that all?

Bob: Yes.

Hunter: Well I'll be off then.

Bob: Don't forget to stop by the gift shop on your way back! Pick me up a genuine vampire tooth cross. I could use one of this.

Hunter: Whatever. Walks out, takes Neal by the foot, and drags him out


	4. Scene Four

**Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld**

Scene 4

Hunter: Are we there yet?

Neal sighs

Neal: We _just left the den_.

Hunter: Oh yeah. … Are we there yet?

Neal: Look, I really don't need you around. I can track down Sarah Arthur on my own, and rescue your friend if I must. I don't need you, so if you expect to live, please shut up.

Hunter: Fine. looks around with annoyance Do you still have that map, or what?

Neal: pulls sheet of paper out of pocket Map of Sarah Arthur's secret Floridian beach house. You know, I've been thinking about this lately, Hunter, and I don't believe it's a good idea to storm the vampiress' beach house. Something tells me this beach house is of no use. Perhaps we should check the sewers.

Hunter: Neal, Neal, Neal, whatever makes you think Sarah Arthur would be hiding in sewers. She's a _vampire_. No respectable vampire will stay in the sewers. No, no, we'll find her in the Floridian beach house.

Neal: Honestly, Van Hunter. Why on earth would a vampire stay in the south? Or even have a Floridian beach house? As you so clearly pointed out, she's a vampire. … Sunlight will kill her!

Hunter: looks off in the distance Vampires are primitive animals who hardly think. I doubt this vampire knows the difference between night and day. No, she is in Florida.

Neal: To be quite fair, while your stupidity can clearly be taken from the fact that you are of the Lycan scum, if I have to tolerate this any longer, I will see to it that you are brutally tortured.

Hunter: mutters I knew it was a bad idea to join forces with a demon. To Hunter _Fine_, we'll try it your way. But when I prove to you there are no vampires in the sewers, you … owe … me … a … coke.

Neal: Whatever. I saw a manhole five blocks back, let's go.

LATER …

Neal drops into the room, followed quickly by Hunter

Hunter: It's dark in here.

Neal: Don't you have, like, super vision or something?

Hunter: Don't you?

Neal: Yeah, I do.

Hunter: Oh. Well so do I.

Neal: Then why did you point out that it was dark in here if you can see everything?

Hunter: Just felt like stating the obvious.

Narrator VO: Sighing with slight annoyance, Neal the demon ignored Hunter's Lycan stupidity and began walking on the side of the sewer. Hunter, brave and not-at-all cowardly, caught up to him.

Hunter: Looks around with slight fear Do you hear anything?

Neal: It's the narrator. He's supposed to give directions to the audience so they're not confused. Your job is to ignore it, and do as he suggests.

Hunter: So you hear the voices too, then?

Neal: Hunter, just keep walking. We have several turns to go before we catch up with the vampires.

Hunter: Oh, like you know where the vampires are. As if you're the great, all knowing Neal.

A phone rings

Hunter: What's that?

Skully (The kiwi bird, for anyone who's forgotten): Squawk!

Neal: Yes, it is a cell phone. mutters At least the bird is remotely intelligent. pulls a cell phone out of his pocket Hello? I'm working on it right now. Yes, I'll call you back shortly. Hangs up

Hunter: Who was that?

Neal: Oh, that was a friend of mine. Trinity. She said she's found an easy way to transport us to where the vampires are, so if you'll hold on just a minute.

Hunter grabs Neal's arm

Hunter: Ready.

Neal resists a sigh, and instead buries his head in his hands before refusing to weep

Neal then proceeds to dial a number into his cell phone, and press enter

The scenery around the two dissolves away, and they reappear in front of some…

… friendly looking people

Hunter: Well that actually worked out rather well, I think. No vampires here.

Man #1: Did you say … vampires?

Neal: Yes, you wouldn't happen to know where any are, would you?

Man #1: As a matter of fact, I do. You're looking at them.

Hunter: ….Well … this should be fun.

End of Scene 4


End file.
